I got an email today from my China adoption email group about a contest the Today show is conducting to find America's Favorite Mom. They have the Moms separated into categories, like Military Moms, Working Moms, etc. They also had a category for Non-Mom Moms, for those who are raising grandchildren, foster children, or stepchildren. Apparently someone involved in the contest made the mistake of lumping adoptive parents in with the Non-Mom Moms and a furor has erupted on the email group, with a call to arms to rally the troops and email/call the sponsors until a change is made. Actually, when I looked at the website earlier it appears that they have changed the category title from Non-Mom Moms to something else, but I'm not sure that's going to be enough. That group likes nothing more than a challenge to their parenthood status that needs to be overcome.
On the one hand, before I was an adoptive parent I'm sure I made faux pas galore in talking about adoption. As I got further into the process I started realizing how flat-footed I may have been in the past. Many people in the USA/world don't know anyone who has been involved in adoption and they are just ignorant about it. I mean "ignorant" in the sense that they just don't know any better, not in a mean way. When I come across people like that I try to correct them gently whenever possible. Most of the time they mean no harm. I never know if they are going to run into some militant adoptive parent who is going to take offense and say something rude to them later on. I'd like to think that whoever set up the contest and website simply made a mistake by putting adoptive mothers into a category called Non-Moms. I mean, who out there thinks that an adoptive mother is any less a mother than a birth mother? Surely, in this day and age, most people are past that. I'd like to think so. But how many people connected with the contest saw the materials before (or even after) they got posted online and said nothing? Marie Osmond is the celebrity "host" and she's an adoptive mother herself! You'd think she might have noticed.
On the other hand, how many people out there really do think that mothers who didn't actually give birth to their children are less of a mother? I will admit, as a mother to both biological and adopted children, that the experience is different for each. On the one hand, I've known Dana and Karis since before they were born. We bonded with each kick, each squirm, each hiccup when they were still passengers in my womb. I saw them on ultrasound and with Karis, I even was able to see the features of her face, so much so that when she was born I felt like I already knew her because she looked just like that 3D ultrasound picture. With Karis and Dana I find myself looking for physical and personality traits like my own or their fathers'. Sadly (or happily, I don't know which) neither of them seems much like me and that doesn't seem fair. I gained the weight and the stretch marks, then I had to recover from childbirth. Would it be too much to ask for one of them to at least resemble me? Anyway, I digress.
With Quinn, there is so much mystery. Does she look like her mother or her father? Anytime she does something particularly smart or funny, I wonder if one of her parents was that way. Did they have long fingers like hers? Did either of them talk with a lisp, like she does? And yet, although we share no biology at all, Quinn is more like me in personality that either of her sisters. I'm so sad that I didn't know her from the very beginning like I did the other two, but I know God had everything in His hand. I wish I had known what she was like as a baby. Did she like to rock? Did she sleep well? Was she excited to start soft foods or did she spit them out? Does missing these experiences make me any less a mother to her? Of course not! Which brings me to a pet peeve of mine - people using the phrase "your own" to differentiate between adopted and bio children, as in "Kim has three daughters, one adopted and two of her own." Most people don't really think about it as an insult but it is. All three of my children are MY OWN. If you want to ask which one is adopted, just ask which one is adopted. Adoption is nothing to be ashamed of.
So I had a dream (nightmare?) last night about Quinn. I think the Non-Mom thing got mixed up in my mind with foster parenting, which is sometimes done in China nowadays. They put the children who will someday be adopted with a foster family to get them accustomed to family life, and then a couple of days before the adoptive parents are due to come, the foster family has to bring the child back to the orphanage for that last couple of days. Can you imagine the turmoil this must cause to all concerned, especially the child? Back to the dream.... I dreamed that we were told that we had to bring Quinn back to Guiyang because there was a family that was going to adopt her. In the dream I was in Guangzhou alone with Quinn, getting ready to catch a train to the airport so we could fly to Guiyang. I was devastated at the thought of giving my baby back! I got on the train and decided that there was no way I could give this child back. What would it do to her ability to trust when the only family she had ever known dropped her off at the orphanage? I took out my cellphone and called Jon to tell him I was coming home. I figured if I could get her back in the USA before the Chinese government realized I wasn't bringing her home she would be safe because she's a US citizen. Anyway, I woke up already upset. Not a good way to start the day. It just brings home to me how much Quinn is MINE. I would no more give her back than I would give up either of her sisters.
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