There is a song on Selah's newest CD called "Unredeemed" that just touches me in some of those dark places that I thought I had left behind years ago. It talks about some of the bad things that can happen in life and how we so often don't understand why it's happening, but "when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord, just watch and see, it will not be unredeemed."
When I was married the first time and we decided to have children, only three months into my six-month plan (and believe me, I had a plan) I was pregnant - right on schedule. When Jon and I got married in 1996 we waited a year or so before we started trying to have a baby, mindful of my advancing age. (It is really not fair that men can father children well into their dotage while women start being termed "older" mothers by their mid-30s) It ended up taking two years and the same number of fertility specialists for us to have K. Within two years of her birth I had had two miscarriages, the second of which required outpatient surgery. That particular pregnancy was a roller coaster from the beginning, moving from joy to despair to hope and finally to grief. I used to think my divorce was the worst pain I had ever felt, but it turned out to be a distant second to the physical and emotional pain of losing what would have been our baby girl (the doctor told us it was "perfect little baby girl").
Jon and I had agreed before we got married that we wanted to have one biological child and adopt another child, and in fact we had started the adoption process but had to halt it when we found out K was on the way. Once K was born we thought we might just have our second one the old-fashioned way because it was way less expensive (I'm not proud of that line of thinking, but it's true), and that never quite worked out. Just before K's third birthday we decided to start adoption proceedings again, and we chose China, for many, many reasons. Without going into great detail, I will just say that the baby girls of China had been on my heart since high school. Barely a year later we were in China bringing home our Q, a child that I have no doubt was chosen for our family by the hand of God himself.
Now, that's not to say that Q is a substitute for the children we lost because that's not fair to her at all. But would we have her if I had carried one of those babies to term? Probably not. I don't know what that all means except that in the end, all things work to the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).
At the very end of "Unredeemed" the lyrics go something like this: "It may be unfulfilled, it may be unrestored, but you never know the miracle the Father has in store; just watch and see, it will not be unredeemed." Whatever suffering you go through, whatever dark days you've lived, it will not be unredeemed. I am living proof.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
The Incredible Edible Erupting Volcano Cake
My sweet baby K just turned nine years old. I asked her what kind of treat she would like me to bring to school on her birthday to share with her classmates, expecting to hear cupcakes or cookies, or whatever. Here's the conversation:
Me: So K, would you rather have me bring in cupcakes or cookies for lunch on your birthday?
Her, with no hesitation (obviously she's already thought about this): I want a chocolate cake shaped like a volcano that shoots out chocolate frosting and edible confetti.
Me: What? A cake that shoots frosting out the top?
Her: Yeah. First it just looks like a cake and then boom! The frosting shoots out and oozes down the sides and the edible confetti blows out.
Me: Do they even make edible confetti?
Her: I don't know, but they should.
Me: Cupcakes it is.
No way was I going to attempt to construct an erupting volcano cake for the class but I was curious to know if such a thing was possible so I did what any self-respecting person did when in search of credible information: I Googled. Who knew how many varieties of edible erupting volcano cakes existed?!? I was well and truly floored.
Once I picked myself up off the floor, I formulated a plan. I decided to attempt to cobble together a few different recipes to create my own EEVC (I'm tired of writing it out already) but as a backup plan I would reserve the right to use the chocolate fountain for the molten lava. And I would serve this astonishing display of culinary magnificence at her birthday party.
The original conversation I had with K about the cake was just so cute I couldn't resist sharing it with anyone who would listen, and after that I *had* to make the cake to preserve my reputation.
On party day I put the cake together. It involved two chocolate cakes, one baked in a bundt pan and the other baked in a 2 quart glass bowl.
Then I stacked the bowl cake on top of the bundt cake. So far, so good. It does have a mountain-ish shape.
I took a glass out of my cabinet and cut a hole through the middle of both cakes then inserted a clean glass into the hole. It would have worked better if I could have found that skinny glass vase I just *knew* I had, but oh well.
Then I frosted the whole thing with a big batch of chocolate frosting, being especially generous between the two cakes to fill in the gap. And also to glue together the rather large "fault" I made in the top layer when I cut the hole in the middle. I even had enough frosting left over that I could have eaten some if I wanted to, not that I did. And if you believe that, I've got a beach house in Arizona I'd like to sell you.
You can see my lovely fruity glass in the middle, just waiting for showtime.
To simulate lava bursting from the top and oozing down the side, I followed one site's instructions to make lava drips from sugar, water, food coloring and corn syrup.
And then it was off to the store to buy dry ice. I had to do a trial run with the dry ice outside just to make sure it would work. I'd never played with dry ice before. Why did no one tell me about this little marvel?
I brought the marshmallow fluff "lava" along to the party. After the candles were blown out I put the dry ice in the glass in the middle of the cake and added some hot water to make "smoke". Then the "lava" went in with a little more hot water and we had our own miniature Pompeii. The birthday girl was thrilled and her friends were pretty stoked too! Check it out!
Me: So K, would you rather have me bring in cupcakes or cookies for lunch on your birthday?
Her, with no hesitation (obviously she's already thought about this): I want a chocolate cake shaped like a volcano that shoots out chocolate frosting and edible confetti.
Me: What? A cake that shoots frosting out the top?
Her: Yeah. First it just looks like a cake and then boom! The frosting shoots out and oozes down the sides and the edible confetti blows out.
Me: Do they even make edible confetti?
Her: I don't know, but they should.
Me: Cupcakes it is.
No way was I going to attempt to construct an erupting volcano cake for the class but I was curious to know if such a thing was possible so I did what any self-respecting person did when in search of credible information: I Googled. Who knew how many varieties of edible erupting volcano cakes existed?!? I was well and truly floored.
Once I picked myself up off the floor, I formulated a plan. I decided to attempt to cobble together a few different recipes to create my own EEVC (I'm tired of writing it out already) but as a backup plan I would reserve the right to use the chocolate fountain for the molten lava. And I would serve this astonishing display of culinary magnificence at her birthday party.
The original conversation I had with K about the cake was just so cute I couldn't resist sharing it with anyone who would listen, and after that I *had* to make the cake to preserve my reputation.
On party day I put the cake together. It involved two chocolate cakes, one baked in a bundt pan and the other baked in a 2 quart glass bowl.
Then I stacked the bowl cake on top of the bundt cake. So far, so good. It does have a mountain-ish shape.
I took a glass out of my cabinet and cut a hole through the middle of both cakes then inserted a clean glass into the hole. It would have worked better if I could have found that skinny glass vase I just *knew* I had, but oh well.
Then I frosted the whole thing with a big batch of chocolate frosting, being especially generous between the two cakes to fill in the gap. And also to glue together the rather large "fault" I made in the top layer when I cut the hole in the middle. I even had enough frosting left over that I could have eaten some if I wanted to, not that I did. And if you believe that, I've got a beach house in Arizona I'd like to sell you.
You can see my lovely fruity glass in the middle, just waiting for showtime.To simulate lava bursting from the top and oozing down the side, I followed one site's instructions to make lava drips from sugar, water, food coloring and corn syrup.
And then it was off to the store to buy dry ice. I had to do a trial run with the dry ice outside just to make sure it would work. I'd never played with dry ice before. Why did no one tell me about this little marvel?
I brought the marshmallow fluff "lava" along to the party. After the candles were blown out I put the dry ice in the glass in the middle of the cake and added some hot water to make "smoke". Then the "lava" went in with a little more hot water and we had our own miniature Pompeii. The birthday girl was thrilled and her friends were pretty stoked too! Check it out!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
The Times They Are A-Changing!
Daughter A got married last month, in a lovely little wedding that cost us all of $1500. The wedding dress we bought for $1 probably had a lot to do with that. While I was happy for her, I have to admit that I was a little sad about seeing things change. We love James and he's a great guy, and we welcomed him into our family with open arms. At least until he does something to make us mad, then all bets are off. Just kidding, James. Anyway, after 21 years I had gotten accustomed to having Dana under my roof, and now I had to get used to her living elsewhere. To be honest, I was looking forward to having a whole lot less to do now that the wedding itself is done.
And then.... and then....and then..... my daughter informed me (rather bluntly, I might add) that their new little family of two.... will be a family of three by the end of the year! I heard my Grandma tell Dana that she needed to get busy so that we can have 5 generations again, but I don't think she meant for Dana to get pregnant right away. I'm still not sure how I feel about this. I'm so not ready to be a grandmother. I'm still raising my OWN kids, for crying out loud! Now I have to find a name that means "my mother's mother" and yet doesn't make me sound like I should be able to get the senior discount at Hamricks.
And now that James is at Basic Training, Dana has practically moved back in. But that's OK.
On a more serious note (not that having a baby isn't serious enough), daughter B, who is struggling at school lately, has been prescribed ADD meds by the pediatrician. I took her in for a consultation and the ped said it was pretty obvious that she has ADD. On the one hand, I'm hopeful that she may finally get a chance to experience success at school. But on the other hand, I feel guilty somehow. It's like I think I should have been able to handle her without the help of meds. The past few weeks have been nightmarish in dealing with homework and bedtime, and basically any kind of transition. The very first day she used the patch, I could tell she was so much calmer. Even after the meds have worn off she's calmer. I think she feels so much more in control of herself on the patch that she feels more able to control herself the rest of the time. And while she's always been a sweet girl, lately it's like the sweetness has just risen to the surface. She's so much calmer ("less frantic" was the term her big sister used, and it's very true) that her younger sister has even calmed down. Go figure.
And then.... and then....and then..... my daughter informed me (rather bluntly, I might add) that their new little family of two.... will be a family of three by the end of the year! I heard my Grandma tell Dana that she needed to get busy so that we can have 5 generations again, but I don't think she meant for Dana to get pregnant right away. I'm still not sure how I feel about this. I'm so not ready to be a grandmother. I'm still raising my OWN kids, for crying out loud! Now I have to find a name that means "my mother's mother" and yet doesn't make me sound like I should be able to get the senior discount at Hamricks.
And now that James is at Basic Training, Dana has practically moved back in. But that's OK.
On a more serious note (not that having a baby isn't serious enough), daughter B, who is struggling at school lately, has been prescribed ADD meds by the pediatrician. I took her in for a consultation and the ped said it was pretty obvious that she has ADD. On the one hand, I'm hopeful that she may finally get a chance to experience success at school. But on the other hand, I feel guilty somehow. It's like I think I should have been able to handle her without the help of meds. The past few weeks have been nightmarish in dealing with homework and bedtime, and basically any kind of transition. The very first day she used the patch, I could tell she was so much calmer. Even after the meds have worn off she's calmer. I think she feels so much more in control of herself on the patch that she feels more able to control herself the rest of the time. And while she's always been a sweet girl, lately it's like the sweetness has just risen to the surface. She's so much calmer ("less frantic" was the term her big sister used, and it's very true) that her younger sister has even calmed down. Go figure.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Second Place
I don't usually get to be #1. I'm not the star. I've never been popular, never been the kind of girl that boys were drawn to like moths to a flame, never been the life of the party. In fact, I tend to have friends who are "more" of those things than I am - more popular, friendlier, prettier, smarter, you name it. With the very notable exceptions of my God and my family, I am rarely the first choice. I'm the sidekick - the Ed McMahon, the Tonto, the Avis (we're number two so we try harder). When I was a teenager boys would generally approach me only to ask if my friend would go out with them. I used to wonder what it was about me that kept me in the background while other girls got all the attention, and I fantasized about the day when it would be MY turn to shine. (For the record, I still don't know and the day hasn't come yet, but I'm OK with that. Mostly.)
And then I grew up. I got married, had a baby, got divorced. (Yes, I was number one for that guy but not for long.) I had a wonderful friend named Donna who had gone through a similar experience and became my best of all best friends during that time. We propped each other up, held each other's hands during the tough stuff and basically did life together. One day I met up with a guy I had once known through my ex-husband. Scott was also divorced and we started hanging out together as friends. There was nothing remotely romantic going on except maybe in my own mind. Eventually I introduced him to Donna. Can you guess where this is headed? Sure enough he comes to me one day and says he needs to ask me a serious question and it turns out to be, do I think Donna would go out with him? I won't go into all the gory details but they DID go out and to add insult to injury, they fell in love and got married. I eventually got over the hurt and decided my friendship with each of them mattered more than my hurt feelings (or broken heart, depending on the day), and even sang at their wedding.
Recently I've been thinking about what I see as my tendency to come in second in life and trying not to feel sorry for myself. I know my self-worth lies in God's opinion of me and not what man thinks of me, etc., etc., etc., yet still it gets hard here on earth feeling like you always come in second. Furthermore, I know it's a trick of the enemy to make me feel worth less (not worthless but worth less). And then I found in my inbox a devotional about envy. Now, I'd like to think I don't have a problem with envy but in reality I do. Not all the time, but sometimes it creeps in and tries to steal my joy, or at least my contentment with life. So as I'm reading this devotional written by someone I admire (who doesn't usually finish second, I might add - I'm convinced Lysa Terkeurst was probably Homecoming Queen in high school) and she's admitting to being envious of what others have and do, I was a little startled. You mean that the grass is not always greener on the cheerleading squad? Sometimes the "winners" are envious too? She said that God pointed out to her that just maybe she wasn't equipped to deal with someone else's life, because every life has good and bad parts. We see only the good things and not the bad when we look at another person's life with jealousy or envy as our viewfinder. She said that now whenever she catches herself looking at someone else and envying their clothes, home, talent, looks, etc. that she says to herself, "I am not equipped to handle her life, both good and bad." God gives us what we need to handle OUR blessings and trials, not someone else's. And we have no way of knowing all the ups and downs of someone else's life.
I lost touch with Donna and Scott after Jon and I got married. Then a few years ago I was reading the newspaper when I happened across Scott's obituary. He died suddenly at the age of 37 of a massive heart attack. I called Donna and we talked for a long, long time that night. I know they had a happy life together and while I had long since gotten over the jealousy I felt at the start of their relationship, I was struck by how much time I had wasted back then feeling sorry for myself because I wasn't his first choice.
I don't know why I was never the kind of girl that guys flirted with, or got nominated for Homecoming Queen, or had tons of friends, or got the lead role in the plays. Maybe I am just not equipped to handle the pressure or the acclaim. For whatever reason, God has put me right where I am and I can live with that. Just call me Ethel. :-)
And then I grew up. I got married, had a baby, got divorced. (Yes, I was number one for that guy but not for long.) I had a wonderful friend named Donna who had gone through a similar experience and became my best of all best friends during that time. We propped each other up, held each other's hands during the tough stuff and basically did life together. One day I met up with a guy I had once known through my ex-husband. Scott was also divorced and we started hanging out together as friends. There was nothing remotely romantic going on except maybe in my own mind. Eventually I introduced him to Donna. Can you guess where this is headed? Sure enough he comes to me one day and says he needs to ask me a serious question and it turns out to be, do I think Donna would go out with him? I won't go into all the gory details but they DID go out and to add insult to injury, they fell in love and got married. I eventually got over the hurt and decided my friendship with each of them mattered more than my hurt feelings (or broken heart, depending on the day), and even sang at their wedding.
Recently I've been thinking about what I see as my tendency to come in second in life and trying not to feel sorry for myself. I know my self-worth lies in God's opinion of me and not what man thinks of me, etc., etc., etc., yet still it gets hard here on earth feeling like you always come in second. Furthermore, I know it's a trick of the enemy to make me feel worth less (not worthless but worth less). And then I found in my inbox a devotional about envy. Now, I'd like to think I don't have a problem with envy but in reality I do. Not all the time, but sometimes it creeps in and tries to steal my joy, or at least my contentment with life. So as I'm reading this devotional written by someone I admire (who doesn't usually finish second, I might add - I'm convinced Lysa Terkeurst was probably Homecoming Queen in high school) and she's admitting to being envious of what others have and do, I was a little startled. You mean that the grass is not always greener on the cheerleading squad? Sometimes the "winners" are envious too? She said that God pointed out to her that just maybe she wasn't equipped to deal with someone else's life, because every life has good and bad parts. We see only the good things and not the bad when we look at another person's life with jealousy or envy as our viewfinder. She said that now whenever she catches herself looking at someone else and envying their clothes, home, talent, looks, etc. that she says to herself, "I am not equipped to handle her life, both good and bad." God gives us what we need to handle OUR blessings and trials, not someone else's. And we have no way of knowing all the ups and downs of someone else's life.
I lost touch with Donna and Scott after Jon and I got married. Then a few years ago I was reading the newspaper when I happened across Scott's obituary. He died suddenly at the age of 37 of a massive heart attack. I called Donna and we talked for a long, long time that night. I know they had a happy life together and while I had long since gotten over the jealousy I felt at the start of their relationship, I was struck by how much time I had wasted back then feeling sorry for myself because I wasn't his first choice.
I don't know why I was never the kind of girl that guys flirted with, or got nominated for Homecoming Queen, or had tons of friends, or got the lead role in the plays. Maybe I am just not equipped to handle the pressure or the acclaim. For whatever reason, God has put me right where I am and I can live with that. Just call me Ethel. :-)
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