Unredeemed

There is a song on Selah's newest CD called "Unredeemed" that just touches me in some of those dark places that I thought I had left behind years ago. It talks about some of the bad things that can happen in life and how we so often don't understand why it's happening, but "when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord, just watch and see, it will not be unredeemed."

When I was married the first time and we decided to have children, only three months into my six-month plan (and believe me, I had a plan) I was pregnant - right on schedule. When Jon and I got married in 1996 we waited a year or so before we started trying to have a baby, mindful of my advancing age. (It is really not fair that men can father children well into their dotage while women start being termed "older" mothers by their mid-30s) It ended up taking two years and the same number of fertility specialists for us to have K. Within two years of her birth I had had two miscarriages, the second of which required outpatient surgery. That particular pregnancy was a roller coaster from the beginning, moving from joy to despair to hope and finally to grief. I used to think my divorce was the worst pain I had ever felt, but it turned out to be a distant second to the physical and emotional pain of losing what would have been our baby girl (the doctor told us it was "perfect little baby girl").

Jon and I had agreed before we got married that we wanted to have one biological child and adopt another child, and in fact we had started the adoption process but had to halt it when we found out K was on the way. Once K was born we thought we might just have our second one the old-fashioned way because it was way less expensive (I'm not proud of that line of thinking, but it's true), and that never quite worked out. Just before K's third birthday we decided to start adoption proceedings again, and we chose China, for many, many reasons. Without going into great detail, I will just say that the baby girls of China had been on my heart since high school. Barely a year later we were in China bringing home our Q, a child that I have no doubt was chosen for our family by the hand of God himself.

Now, that's not to say that Q is a substitute for the children we lost because that's not fair to her at all. But would we have her if I had carried one of those babies to term? Probably not. I don't know what that all means except that in the end, all things work to the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).

At the very end of "Unredeemed" the lyrics go something like this: "It may be unfulfilled, it may be unrestored, but you never know the miracle the Father has in store; just watch and see, it will not be unredeemed." Whatever suffering you go through, whatever dark days you've lived, it will not be unredeemed. I am living proof.