Another Quiz

I received another "Getting to Know You" quiz in my email yesterday, and those things really throw me sometimes. I like to get them. I love to read other people's answers and yes I know I shouldn't read too much into it, but some of the questions really make me think. And it's not a real quiz so I don't need to be afraid of getting anything wrong, but I want so much to put my best answer. Why is that?

One question asks: How do you want to be remembered? A better question might be How do you NOT want to be remembered? I don't want to be remembered as a slacker, or someone who is angry all the time, but I fear sometimes that I am that very thing. Or you could ask, What kind of person do you want to be? That's easier. I want to be someone who cares about people in a way that they can see it, and someone who strives to be like Christ. I think the caring part would come easy if I was more like Christ.

Another one was: What are you afraid of? You'd think the answers would say things like, heights, spiders, etc., but they didn't. Mine was "failing my children". I worry so much about my parenting and I can't put my finger on the reason. My childhood was not picture perfect by any stretch of the imagination yet I'm still OK. I can't make things perfect for my kids either. Maybe I just want to avoid scarring them in some unseen way. Then I have to stop and think about where that sense of failure comes from, and I don't think it's from God. He doesn't condemn us that way, and if it's not from God I need to shut it out.

When I was in 7th grade we read "To Kill a Mockingbird" and I was profoundly influenced by a quote from Atticus Finch about how you never really know a person until you put on their shoes and walk around in them awhile. As a self-centered almost-teenager the thought had never occurred to me to wonder how it would be to be someone else. After that I made it a point to try to see things from the other person's point of view and for many years I was extremely good at it. Maybe it's even a spiritual gift of some kind (mercy? Nah! Compassion? Maybe.) Somehow I've gotten away from that and I'd like to get it back, that ability to see life through someone else's eyes. I'd particularly like to see through my children's eyes to see how frustrating life can sometimes be for them, and whether or not I am loving them the way they need to be loved.

I've been thinking lately about Sister Carpenter. I don't know her first name. She was married to the pastor of the First Apostolic Church in Maryville and I met her through my first father-in-law, because that's where he went to church for a while. She was always so welcoming and so charming and I'm trying to figure out just what it was about her that made me feel so good inside. For one thing, I never felt judged, even though I did not dress and conduct myself in the way that her church believed women should do. I was always just a visitor there so maybe that might have come up if I was a regular attender. In fact, I have a feeling that the clothing and hair thing might just be one of those beliefs that their church expects you to come to on your own, in the same way as many of the beliefs that I have now. As Rob Bell says, "God has spoken and the rest is just commentary." Anyway, I want to be like Sister Carpenter. I could feel the love coming off her and sometimes it would almost just make me want to cry. She had/has such a sweet spirit about her. I never saw her get upset or flustered and if she was talking to me, all her attention was on me. Maybe it was that feeling of knowing that someone was focusing just on me, and that feeling of acceptance I got from her. I hope I can make others feel the same way.