In Search of Friends

Amy Hickman wrote an excellent post this week on the Aroma blog about hospitality and all the excuses we give for not doing it. She asked for comments, so I wrote one and included friendship in the list of things that people don't seem to have time for nowadays. This is near and dear to my heart, having moved away from all my friends and family nearly two years ago. I was very lonely for a long time and had to remind myself just HOW you make friends. I observed my children and watched how they make friends to try to remember how it works. You introduce yourself, you talk to them, you find out if you have things in common, you invite them for "playdates" and you evaluate how it goes to see if there might be something there. The problem arises when one person is interested in pursuing a friendship and the other person doesn't have time, or they have all the friends they think they need and no time for more. Make no mistake - it does take time to build a friendship. Shared experiences give you things to talk about and build intimacy. You almost have to have at least a few things in common in order to be friends. For instance, I find it easier to be friends with stay at home moms like myself because we can get together during school hours. It's nice to have friends with children similar in age to your own because hopefully they will get along together and form their own friendships. When it's right, you'll find that conversation flows freely and sometimes a half-hour passes while you're on the phone with your friend and you barely notice it. You seem to always have something to talk about, even if it's just asking the other person's opinion on Barack or Hillary (my opinion? Neither.). If you find yourself having to make a list of things to discuss with your friend, you might want to re-examine that friendship. :-)

Really, it's almost like a romance. You have to test each other out and find out if you can trust each other. "If I tell you this embarrassing thing about me, can I trust you not to tell someone else?" When that trust is betrayed it can be devastating. I'm glad to say that I haven't experienced that in a while. When we found LifeSong it was such a relief to get some friends. Up until then I really didn't have anyone I could invite over or go to the movies with. Some of the people I met when I first moved to SC I am still friendly with, but our friendship just never developed past a certain level. Now I have a nice-sized handful of friends that I feel I can trust with the real me and several others with whom I'm friendly but not at that level just yet. It takes a giant leap to expose yourself (figuratively speaking) to another person who is not legally bound to you (like your spouse) and open yourself up to rejection, which by the way was one of my biggest fears (from the sermon last week). I am terrified of extending the hand of friendship and having someone brush me off like, "I'm not interested" or "You're not important enough for me to waste my time on you". I often say you have to work pretty hard to hurt my feelings but that's not entirely true. That's really a defense mechanism. I figure if I say it enough times it will come true.

I sometimes get frustrated with people who complain about not having any friends around. They're usually sitting there waiting for the phone to ring. News flash: It doesn't work that way. You've got to be making some effort.

Anyway, back to the shared experiences. In the end that is truly what makes or breaks your friendship. You can have "phone" friends or "email" friends and be close but it's just not the same. You invent inside jokes that help you feel closer to each other, things that are funny because of your shared experiences and for reasons that only you know. I love having inside jokes with my friends! Most of them have the same strange sense of humor that I have so we really "get" each other that way. Just this morning, though, it occurred to me how that might make others feel. That's not the first time I thought of it, but the first time I let the thought settle in for a while. I've been on the outside before and it's not a good feeling. I wonder how many times I've made a joke that made someone else feel left out. If you're reading this and I've done it to you, then I apologize. I'm going to make it a point to try to pay attention to the feelings of the people around me who may not "get" it. It's too easy to use an inside joke to hurt someone or to exclude people and I don't want to do that.

Now back to the kids again. Have you ever noticed what happens when kids (like 9 and younger) do when they have a disagreement? They say what they feel - "that hurt!" "you kicked me!" and they get over it. The next day they don't remind each other of what happened the day before and they don't hold it over each other's heads. They don't normally hold grudges, at least not until they get to be teenagers, and that's a whole other animal. I'd like to be like that, with the childlike trust that what's done is done and not worth holding onto like some prized pet to be taken out and played with every so often. I think I sometimes hold myself back when I've been hurt, in an attempt to save myself from being hurt again, but I'd really rather go to the end of my life knowing that I loved people fully and gave grace when needed. How do I get there from here? Well, I don't know for sure. As I always say, "Self-awareness is the first step." Now that I know I do it and I've admitted it, I've got to do something about it.

By the way, that "self-awareness" thing extends to sin, too. Sometimes I don't want to hear what the Holy Spirit is saying to me because I know that if I do, I'll be responsible for what I do with that knowledge. Once you know more, more is required of you. That's how you grow as a Christian. When you're a "baby" Christian, you often do things that you don't realize are not right or are against God's will. As you grow more and learn more, your behavior (ideally) becomes more and more refined to be like Christ's. Maya Angelou said, "You did what you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did better." She also said, "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." I think God is working on me somehow. I'm dealing with some turmoil in my heart/soul about how I treat people. It started out being about how *I* felt I was being treated and has been turned around on me so that I'm now examining my own behavior. I have no idea how this lesson will end, but meanwhile I'm going to put myself under a spiritual microscope and look for flaws in my approach to friendship. That doesn't mean that all my friends are now free to help me out though. ;-) I'm sure it's tempting.

What is worship?

I have been working on my own definition of worship for a few weeks now, mostly because of being on the Worship Team, and figuring out what that looks like to me. I've read websites and articles to see what other people think and weighing what I've read to decide if their definition is true for me or not. I don't think there is one and only one definition of worship. The word itself is derived from "worth-ship" which means to give something (or someone) its worth, and since the kind of worship I'm talking about is worshipping God, does that mean we are to give God back His worth? How is that possible? I've heard that worship is surrendering all of who you are to God, which could translate into giving Him back His worth, at least as far as we are capable. I've also heard it described as leading the congregation into the presence of God, or as an expression of our love to Him. I've heard people talk about (figuratively) kneeling or sitting at God's feet in worship. And then you hear the word thrown around in talking about other things and it's hard to separate real worship from the corporate worship experience we've come to associate it with. (Bad blogger, ending a sentence with "with"!) Over and over I read about how worship is a lifestyle and not just that Sunday morning service. Does this mean we're supposed to go around singing worship songs all day long?

Here's what I've got so far: if worship means surrendering all of yourself to God, shouldn't you be doing that daily anyway? I mean, we are supposed to follow His way and let Him be in control. Isn't that surrendering yourself? That certainly fits into the "worship is a lifestyle" pattern. Before I even crawl out of bed in the morning, I need to surrender that day to the Lord. That's worship. When I get up in front of the congregation on Sunday morning, I should have already surrendered anew my life to the Lord that day BUT I should also take the time to pray and surrender my efforts to Him because that's all I've got. I have to do my best and let Him be in charge of the result. So what does that look like? At this point, I think that means that I surrender my life to God's control on a daily basis. I pray all week for the service on Sunday and everyone who takes part in it in any way, but especially the pastoral leadership, that they will hear God's voice and lead us in the right direction. I commit my thoughts and actions to God, put my heart and my best effort into my singing and trust Him to take care of the rest. This may change as I read more about worship.

The pastors have talked about how they (and we, the congregation) need to stay "close and clean". We need to draw close to God and keep ourselves clean, which I think means avoiding sin. Anyone in any kind of leadership position at a church needs to do the same. When you are before the congregation you are to be an example. Now, none of us is perfect and we're not expected to be. But we need to be doing the best we can to stay close to God and stay clean. I know that I need to work on the "close" part and the "clean" will follow. I do a pretty good job of praying in short bursts but I find that when I get a long period of time for personal prayer (like Larry had us do after rehearsal this morning) I don't seem to run out of things to say to God. It makes me think I need to make more time to pray. I definitely need to make more time for Bible study and I'm working on it. Self-awareness is the first step.

As LifeSong grows (and it will continue to grow by leaps and bounds) the warfare will intensify. It will take dedicated prayer on the part of our LifeSong family to withstand the attacks. I used to wish I was one of those people considered to be a "Prayer Warrior." Sadly, according to multiple spiritual gift inventories, that's not my gift. But that doesn't mean I can't pray like crazy anyway.

Thinking Out Loud

There a person that I come in contact with on a regular basis that I am struggling to understand. And it's no one who would read this blog, but I'm not naming names anyway. My highest-ranked spiritual gift is discernment and while I know I get things wrong sometimes, more often when I get a "feeling" about something, it turns out to be right. I don't think this person likes me. I can't put my finger on any one particular event that could be considered evidence. In fact, it's more about what hasn't been done than what HAS. It's just a vibe I get. So then I start thinking to myself about 1) why does this person not like me? and 2) why do I care?

I have no idea why said person doesn't like me. I don't think I've said or done anything to offend, but then again, sometimes my mouth runs away with me and I just might have said something offensive at some point. Now, I don't think this person actively dislikes or hates me. I just feel more of a "I'll interact with you because I have to but if it was my choice we would not cross paths" kind of thing. As if we will never be friends, just people who are thrown into each other's environment. Is it our life circumstances? Are we just so different we couldn't be friends? And it's not like I haven't made attempts, albeit timid ones. I guess it's human nature to want to be liked. But who says that you have to be friends with everybody who wants to be your friend?

So why do I care? My worth doesn't come from what someone else thinks about me. My worth comes from the fact that I am a child of God. I have to admit I don't like everybody, even those I associate with regularly and like I said, no one says we have to be friends with every single person we know. I do know people that I like but we just don't "click" as friends. Some people are destined to get to a certain level of "knowing" and no further. And I suppose I should look at it from the other person's point of view, which is something I usually pride myself on. Then there's the part of me that just can't help feeling that if we got to know each other, we would find we had a lot in common. Or maybe that's the problem. Oh well. God knows His plans and I need to accept that He knows what's best.

I got my hair cut (well, actually I got ALL of them cut) again

I have long since given up pleasing my husband or children with my choice of hair style. My husband would prefer me to grow it out because he likes it long, the same as most men do. I find that funny, considering that he's never seen me with hair longer than my shoulders, but oh well. I just like it short. I like to look pretty, for sure, but I just don't like to spend more than a few minutes on my hair. If it was long I would just keep it up in a ponytail anyway, so why bother? And why is hair length such a big deal for many men? Is it because they consider it a sign of femininity? I can see why that might be so, but still. There are entire religions where the women do not cut their hair (and most do not wear makeup either but that's a subject for another post). I'm not sure why it matters so much and in a way it bothers me that my devotion to my husband does not extend (pun intended) to my hair length. That might be my way of asserting my (still active) sense of independence and whether that's a good thing or not, it is what it is. Dana doesn't like my haircut either and I don't know what her idea of a good hairstyle is for me. You'd think by now they would have progressed to the point of at least pretending to like it, but no. They will both ignore it, I guess in the interest of "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" and that's OK with me. I told Jon long ago that when he is the one who washes, dries and takes care of my hair, then he can decide how to cut it.

Another Quiz

I received another "Getting to Know You" quiz in my email yesterday, and those things really throw me sometimes. I like to get them. I love to read other people's answers and yes I know I shouldn't read too much into it, but some of the questions really make me think. And it's not a real quiz so I don't need to be afraid of getting anything wrong, but I want so much to put my best answer. Why is that?

One question asks: How do you want to be remembered? A better question might be How do you NOT want to be remembered? I don't want to be remembered as a slacker, or someone who is angry all the time, but I fear sometimes that I am that very thing. Or you could ask, What kind of person do you want to be? That's easier. I want to be someone who cares about people in a way that they can see it, and someone who strives to be like Christ. I think the caring part would come easy if I was more like Christ.

Another one was: What are you afraid of? You'd think the answers would say things like, heights, spiders, etc., but they didn't. Mine was "failing my children". I worry so much about my parenting and I can't put my finger on the reason. My childhood was not picture perfect by any stretch of the imagination yet I'm still OK. I can't make things perfect for my kids either. Maybe I just want to avoid scarring them in some unseen way. Then I have to stop and think about where that sense of failure comes from, and I don't think it's from God. He doesn't condemn us that way, and if it's not from God I need to shut it out.

When I was in 7th grade we read "To Kill a Mockingbird" and I was profoundly influenced by a quote from Atticus Finch about how you never really know a person until you put on their shoes and walk around in them awhile. As a self-centered almost-teenager the thought had never occurred to me to wonder how it would be to be someone else. After that I made it a point to try to see things from the other person's point of view and for many years I was extremely good at it. Maybe it's even a spiritual gift of some kind (mercy? Nah! Compassion? Maybe.) Somehow I've gotten away from that and I'd like to get it back, that ability to see life through someone else's eyes. I'd particularly like to see through my children's eyes to see how frustrating life can sometimes be for them, and whether or not I am loving them the way they need to be loved.

I've been thinking lately about Sister Carpenter. I don't know her first name. She was married to the pastor of the First Apostolic Church in Maryville and I met her through my first father-in-law, because that's where he went to church for a while. She was always so welcoming and so charming and I'm trying to figure out just what it was about her that made me feel so good inside. For one thing, I never felt judged, even though I did not dress and conduct myself in the way that her church believed women should do. I was always just a visitor there so maybe that might have come up if I was a regular attender. In fact, I have a feeling that the clothing and hair thing might just be one of those beliefs that their church expects you to come to on your own, in the same way as many of the beliefs that I have now. As Rob Bell says, "God has spoken and the rest is just commentary." Anyway, I want to be like Sister Carpenter. I could feel the love coming off her and sometimes it would almost just make me want to cry. She had/has such a sweet spirit about her. I never saw her get upset or flustered and if she was talking to me, all her attention was on me. Maybe it was that feeling of knowing that someone was focusing just on me, and that feeling of acceptance I got from her. I hope I can make others feel the same way.

Guilty, Your Honor!

So today was my big date at traffic court for that little speeding ticket I got last month in Wellford. This is only the second ticket I've ever had in all my years of driving, and only the third time I've been pulled over (the first time I got a warning). When the officer pulled me over and asked me if I knew how fast I was going, I had to be honest and say, "Not a clue, sir." He ticketed me but wrote the ticket so that I wouldn't get any points on my license, which was nice.

Back to traffic court. I'd never been so I had no idea how it works. I was imagining some kind of public humiliation where I'd have to stand in front the courtroom and explain myself to the judge, and what was I going to say? "Sorry, Your Honor. I was listening to my Witness practice CD and paying no attention to speed limit signs. No sir, didn't even know there was a speed limit." I had no excuse at all. (side note: I found it quite ironic that that last sentence is true of all human beings and our tendency to sin. We have no excuse and we are just plain guilty, yet Christ took on our guilt and paid our debt. I was hoping for leniency but I figured no judge was going to forgive as Christ has.) By the time I actually left for court I was nearly sick to my stomach from anxiety. So I get to the Wellford courthouse, a building only about the size of my house, to find that there are no empty parking spaces. Hmmmm. I found a spot that wasn't TOO illegal, parked the car and went looking for traffic court, just as 3 other people started walking the same way. We found the right door and opened it, only to find that the place was packed! Why didn't someone tell me that traffic court is a cattle call? Moo! So we start lining up outside the door as more and more people come. As I'm standing there hoping I don't see anyone I know, I see a car pull out and out steps Scott Suttles. Great. He looked my way and I waved to him, a little feebly but at least I acknowledged him. Finally the guy in charge (I guess) explained our options to us: Plead guilty and he will reduce our ticket, and we're done; or ask for a trial and explain yourself to the judge. He took up our tickets and called us up one by one. Meanwhile I was making conversation with my "line neighbors". They were all comparing notes on how fast they were going and how much their tickets were and how many points it would mean against their license. Apparently that officer was more lenient than I thought, because I had NO points and the same ticket amount, but I was going more mph over the speed limit than they were! I also noticed that the Wellford government appears to be a bit suspicious of certain forms of payment because they only accept cash, money orders and cashier's checks. Some of my line neighbors must have been repeat customers because they already had their $100 cash in hand (because that's what the ticket gets reduced to). After I got my ticket reduced I had to race down the street to the ATM to get the cash then come back and pay it, because as Mr. In-Charge said, "if you don't have the Clerk of Court enter the disposition of the ticket today, I will have to issue a bench warrant for you tomorrow and suspend your license." Meanwhile the line outside continued to grow and grow. I came back, paid my debt to (Wellford) society and left, and the line was even longer than it had been before. At least they didn't throw me in the pokey.

Later we went to Karis' softball game, where they lost once again. Luckily the girls don't seem to notice but it weighs on poor Coach Jon. In between keeping the scorebook and keeping up with Quinn, I got to enjoy a few of those life moments, like when Karis started running from first base and ignored all the coach's instructions to stop on third base and instead kept heading for home plate, just two steps ahead of the girl trying to tag her out. Karis was safe and I don't think she ever even knew the girl was coming up behind her. She came to me afterward and said, "Did I look like Dash (from The Incredibles)?" And I told her that she certainly did - she ran so fast the other players couldn't catch her. As long as I live I will remember the sight of her just jogging around the bases like there's nothing going on around her. La-de-da... what ball? Game? What game? Gotta love that girl!

Amy Grace

So here I am, lost in thought, when this chick taps me on the shoulder and disturbs my mental preparation for worship.... I guess I'd better start at the beginning.

We moved to South Carolina from Tennessee in June 2006. Jon and I were very involved in our church in Knoxville and in fact had researched churches before we moved. We started going to a church in Simpsonville that was part of the Willow Creek Association, a group of churches that operated much the same way as our church in Knoxville. We liked our church in Simpsonville even though it was a good 20 minute or more drive. I wasn't crazy about the worship pastor or the fact that they did the worship music at the end of the service but those were things I could deal with. The kids were having fun in a well-run kids' program and Jon and Dana were playing softball. We met a few couples we really liked and had some people over for dinner here and there. When the new discipleship pastor came, we were excited to hear that he planned to start up small groups. Now here was something we could really sink our teeth into. Jon and I had been involved in small groups nearly as long as we had known each other and had been leading/hosting them for about 10 years. We know that small groups is where the growth and intimacy happen. We immediately signed up to get involved and thus began the roller coaster of disappointment, because no one else at the church lived anywhere near us. Every time we thought we had found a group, it just never worked out. Months passed and we finally came to the conclusion that it just wasn't going to be possible to connect at that church.

We decided to look for a church closer to home and consulted the Willow Creek website again. Jon went out and visited a few churches alone and none of them clicked with him. In the meantime we decided to attend the Lyman United Methodist Church while we were searching for the right place. Jon and I both knew it wasn't a permanent solution but we did know a good number of people there from Karis' time doing Upward cheerleading. Our Knoxville small group was following us on this search and praying for us to find the right church. One Sunday morning near Easter, a friend from that group called and told me she was thinking about us and praying for God to show us where He wanted us to be. That very Sunday we came home from church to find a LifeSong flyer in our door. We searched the website from front to back and Jon fired off email after email to poor Brian George. We called our small group in Knoxville and had THEM check the website to see what they thought. We could hardly wait for the next Sunday to check it out in person! We chose the early service so that we could go to LifeSong first and then to the Methodist church and sort of compare them side by side. Now I can't speak for Jon, but when I walked through the door my first thought was, "Are they ready to start having church yet?" because the building was not completely done. "Raw" is the word that comes to mind. Jeff Hickman met us at the door and introduced us to the Fogels, who are UT fans like us. Everyone was so welcoming and wonderful that it was almost overwhelming. By the time I sat down I was nervous as a cat but yet already starting to feel at home. Then this chick behind me tapped on my shoulder and said something like "We're glad you're here." I turned and smiled in response. Once Jeff started preaching, it just confirmed what I already knew - this was our church. We stayed around after the service was over and was very nearly late for the Methodist church, and that poor UMC just couldn't compete. LifeSong has been our home ever since.

Now about Amy. I had several people at LifeSong tell me that I need to meet this Amy Davenport but somehow or other she just never seemed to be around. In fact, some of them even said I reminded them of her - must be my personality because I haven't had a perm in years. I offered to take pictures for the Aroma ministry but was assured that "Amy does that". How, I wondered, when she's never around? Then Amy Hickman started a Women's Bible Study (I can't even remember what the subject was) and put the infamous Amy D. in my group. I remembered seeing her at the occasional Monday Mingle but didn't know that was *her*. It was in that Women's Bible Study that I first got a taste of Amy's sense of humor.

By the time that LifeSong merged with Calvary I had started to be acquainted with Amy. I wouldn't say that we were friends, exactly. Then Larry put out a call for people interested in participating in the Christmas program and we found ourselves sitting near each other and actually carrying on a conversation. I found out she was a soprano, which appealed to me - no competition, just sweet harmony. And some of my best friends are sopranos. Anyway, when Larry said he would go ahead and audition people for the Praise Team right then she looked at me and said she would do it if I would. I even went first! Then came the days of wondering. She knows what I mean.

But here we are. Amy has filled a place in my life and heart that has sat empty for far too long. She knows what I mean no matter what words are coming out of my mouth. Amy hears the things that no one else hears and I know that no one else will, at least they won't from her. When we figured out that AMY was the one who put the flyer in our door, it all made sense. Leave it to God to work all the pieces into place just perfectly. We have so many things in common that it's almost creepy. I love our "friend shorthand," that we can finish each other's sentences and know what each other is thinking with just a glance or expression. I would have camped out on Tim's doorstep to get her into my small group if I needed to (luckily I didn't because I'm not a good camper). She had to be my prayer partner because she already knows so much about me that she probably knows what to pray for me better than I do. I love how our voices blend together, a little of her and a little of me. There's no judgment in her, just acceptance, no matter what I'm confessing. We're both easy-going and not prone to getting mad over little things. No drama for these two girls unless it's scripted and on a stage. I enjoy learning new things about Amy and I know there is just SO much more there to learn. And while I don't put people into categories, I do sometimes rank them in my head. On a scale of 1-10, Amy's a solid 9. And before she gets upset, I should point out that I've never met a 10 so far, and Amy may get there yet.

P. S. I did NOT snub anyone!