Karis has always been a little bit sensitive and needy, even as a newborn. She didn't seem to fit into this world exactly right, like a puzzle piece with a corner cut off. It wasn't until she was five years old that we discovered she has Sensory Processing Disorder. Most people have never heard of this problem, but basically it means that the information she takes in through her senses (including hearing, sight, taste, touch and smell, but there are others) doesn't always get understood correctly by her brain. If you've ever been irritated by a tag inside your chirt or the seams on your socks, you might have some idea of what SPD is like. But imagine that the irritation is so bad that you can't concentrate on anything else - it's all you can think about, and it actually HURTS. Sometimes lights are too bright and sounds are too loud, but other times the lights aren't bright enough and the sounds are too low. As a baby she had a hard time eating and sleeping. Even now she eats a very limited number of things. I'm sure people think we baby her or spoil her (or both!) but the fact is that she would literally starve herself before she would eat what we think of as "normal" meals. Certain smells will make her gag and vomit. She also struggles with some kinds of movement and she seems distracted a lot, almost like she's got ADD, which she does not. Sometimes her senses are on high alert and sometimes they seem dulled. It's hard to say what's coming next. SPD is so sneaky that it even affected the way Karis held a pencil, or cut with scissors. It affects the way she looks at words on a page, because she doesn't naturally read left to right and top to bottom. That's called "visual tracking," by the way. And SPD, especially mild SPD, is nearly undetectable unless you know what you're looking for. There are sensory seekers, who want more and more and more stimulation. They are the kids who seem to be risk takers, who want to jump off the couch again and again or can't hug you without knocking you down. There are sensory avoiders, who want you to turn the TV down or cut out all the tags in their clothes. For the most part, kids with SPD swing from one extreme to the other, depending on the day and what else is going on in their lives.
I'm of the belief that there is no one who is 100% normal. What's normal, anyway? But when it comes to our senses I think we all have SPD of one degree or another. The thing is, our differences are minor enough that we can adjust to them without major trauma. Kids like Karis can't make that adjustment and their SPD affects their quality of life. She can't always regulate herself because she can't process the sensory information her body is taking in, and sometimes she resorts to making sounds instead of using her words. There are kids out there with more severe SPD than Karis who literally cannot stop themselves from playing with their food or crashing into the couch. She does have some ability to self-regulate. I suppose I should count my blessings but it's hard on those days when Karis is so overwhelmed with life and all the stimulation out there that she just wants to curl up on my lap for hours and hide her head.
As with most mothers, I *know* that no one understands my children the way that I do, but it's particularly true of Karis. I can relate to her in so many ways and I feel her pain and confusion when the world gives her mixed (in her mind) signals. I want so much to protect her from the world and keep her close to me but I know I can't do that forever. So when Dana said she'd like to take Karis to the beach overnight, I said yes, even though I may not sleep at all tomorrow night. Seven years old and she's never slept the entire night without me at least in the same building. This is a big day.
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