Grudge Match

For some reason, I am having a terrible time with my anger today. It doesn't help to know that in this situation, I'm pretty sure I'm on the right end of the argument.

I don't believe in taking sides in the case of friends' marital problems, but I'm having trouble dealing with a particular ex-husband and I'm not sure I understand why. Let's call him T. No one can really know what goes on in a marriage except the two people involved and that's also true of the events leading up to a divorce. I also believe that there's not usually one person who is absolutely blameless in a divorce while the other person is completely at fault. For instance, in my own divorce while I was not the one who walked away and asked for a divorce, I can admit that I was not the easiest person in the world to be married to. I was not and am not perfect. Hopefully I've learned from that experience but you'd have to ask Jon. :-) Anyway, from all accounts T was leading something of a double life. This was not the first time T had been caught by his wife in the same type of behavior but in the past they had worked it out, or so she thought. Once they were separated and the evidence started coming out, the church leadership attempted to practice Biblical church discipline. First, a friend confronted him with his behavior and gave him an opportunity to turn away from it. T denied everything. Then his small group attempted to talk to him about it. No dice. Leaders of the church spoke with him and finally the church was forced to "put him out" because he refused to acknowledge the error of his ways, denying everything until the end. Even now, he has never once accepted responsibility for what he's done and I'm angry. I'm angry on behalf of his children whose home got torn apart. I'm angry because I thought we were friends and he's not who I thought he was at all. I just want him to feel some shame and show some remorse. Instead he just be-bops around like everything is just happy-happy and it drives me crazy! Oh sure, your daughter cries for you sometimes at night but you don't have to think about it because you don't live with her. Yeah, you visit and get to be the fun parent and when you go home, Mommy has to pick up the pieces, sometimes for days after the visit is over.

But why? Am I feeling all this on behalf of his family? Actually, I think some of it is misplaced anger from my own childhood and my failed first marriage. My Dad did eventually tell me one time that he was sorry for what he did to my mother, and you wouldn't believe how affected I was by that apology. My first husband has never apologized to me. Maybe it's the difference between a mother and a father, but I don't know how he could have chosen to leave his own child. OK, so I wasn't the easiest person to live with but I never cheated on him. I can't think of any man I would leave my child behind for. A great deal of my grief over my divorce was because of Dana and the realization that no one else would ever understand the impact it would have on her the way that I could. I'd like to think that she came out of the divorce unscathed but in my heart I know she didn't. No child of divorce is EVER totally unscarred by it. My parents divorced when I was 4 and although I can say with certainty that I had a better life with my mother and stepfather than I would have had if my parents had stayed married, that doesn't mean that I don't carry some wounds. Dana's pretty well adjusted and loves Jon dearly but I know that she carries wounds too. What's startling is that I'll be going on with life and having a pretty smooth ride when all of a sudden I hit a brick wall of anger and slam into it headlong. Just when I think I have it all together I get reminded that I'm not in control.

In the end, I'll have to hold my tongue and let the parties involved work it out the best way they know how. As for my own wounds, I'll have to give them over to God and trust Him to heal me in His time, and stop ripping the scabs off to see if they're healed yet.